Wedding Planning

One thing I am learning with wedding planning is that there are priorities, the people you invite, the amount of people, the things you chose, the way you chose, when you chose , where you chose them, all have to be prioritized.

Last night I spent almost two hours with my soon-to-be mother in law, sweetest lady I know hacking away at the invite list to get it down from the original 440 to a comfortable number of 380. At first it was hard and then my fiancee came around and helped me "eliminate" some names by process of elimination and using some simple questions about the relationship with the said person:

Are they a relative?
If not, very good friend? Following questions pertain to friends:
Have you spoken to them in the last 6 months?
Do you spend time with them rarely, often, or occasionally?
Would you only send them an invitation because you feel obligated to?
....and that cut about 60 people.

If you think you deserve an invitation we probably have spoken in the last month or so. ya know, if not don't feel hurt if you don't receive a formal invite.
1. they are expensive
2. half of the people invited won't show up anyway, ya know?

And yeah....postage stamps, bane of my life.

Things I would like to do ...

Some in the near future and some in the far future:

1. Cut my hair short, like Kayla Mann or Connie Ray (Wagner) did in High school. Where all the accessories you can use are headbands, bows, and cute pixie hair that shoots out the back of your head. But also on other days you have the opportunity to look super elegant like Audrey Hepburn. I would like to be her for a day.

2. Run a marathon, crazy I know. But I am participating in the half-marathon in June and once I get that I just NEED to finish a full one...mostly because of the pride factor to say "I did it" and because it keeps my body in shape and is a great way to ensure that I fit into my wedding dress in less than a month and a half!

3. Have 6-7 kids, now I know many of you who read this may call me crazy, insane, off her rocker, and all other else of words but I feel that will bring me and my husband amazing amounts of joy that could never be replaced by an occupation or even winning a large some of money. I want kids, I want the poop, I want the cryings, I want to be the one to hold them when they have nightmares, I want to the be one that tells them it's ok the boy doesn't like you back, I want to be the one that plays basketball with my boys, I want to be the one that helps and pushes, loves and disciplines, teaches and learns. I want to be a mom.

4. I want to have a puppy, particularly this little guy:

He is probably the cutest thing I have ever set my eyes on and I want one. Hopefully in a year or two, that's what Matt promised me so we will see if time and money will allot the bringing home of such a dear thing.

...and I can't think of anything quite else right now....because I got sidetracked on trying to figure out what type of dog this is...I need to know what type so I can get one....um...to be continued, maybe.

Utah Valley Half Marathon

I signed up for it today.
My friend Lara Anderson and I are going to run this half marathon on June 9,2012.
I hate running, but I will do this.

I love spring

Just like the title says, I love spring. I love the beauty and the ability is has to make people in general much more happy.
I believe that the human population has a problem with a small thing called weather depression, I know I do.
When the sun is out people are just nicer, when the clouds shroud our much needed vitamin D every is a little on edge.
I love the ability to walk to my 7am math class with the sun rising over the mountains.
I love the opportunity I have to hear the birds chirping outside.
I love hearing the dove cooing on the lamp post outside my window.
I love bright spring colors: red, yellow, green, pink, blue (basically the colors of the rainbow)
I love the freshness, and crispness of the air.

and I love that I got a 99/100 on my health test. Go me :)


53...days and counting till I marry Matt Call, 5 years ago in high school I never thought that would even be possible, but it's happening and it's coming quickly.

Love :)

Why things don't work out sometimes

I was walking towards my institute class today and I ran into one of the boys I dated, it was actually my first boyfriend. We said hello to each other and asked about each other's lives and then went on our way, I had to take a step back and reassess that part of me that will always be with him. I dated him, loved him, and we were apart of each other's lives for a time that will always been in my heart.

It is interesting to then contemplate about how some relationships just don't work. That even though you are attracted to this person, that there may be a time where something about your relationship doesn't click and that's when you say goodbye. But even when you have said goodbye there are still little pieces or places in your heart for that person, the pieces where you want to know that their life is going well, that they are happy, that they are still striving to be better with a different people and different events. You still care about them and want the best for them. I know, i know there are situations that all you want to do is completely forget about that person you shard so many weeks or months with but I think those relationships will be apart of your life forever, they are part of the reason you are who you are today. And they are part of the reason for you finding who you are with now, and finding what you like and what you don't like in a life-long companion.

A good friend of mine once wrote a post that I printed off and put into my journal because I thought it was so profound. It was talking about soul mates, but not in the way that you would expect. She was stating that soul mates are the people that come into your life for a specific reason and than at whatever time may leave because you have learned what was needed to learn and you really have no use for them anymore at that time in your life. These are the past boyfriends, the friends that have gone astray, the loved ones that we don't care to speak to. These soul mates that seem to pop up when we need a little prick of remembering where we have come from and how far we have come. They also remind us of how much we need to continue to grow and continue to find these soul mates in our lives.

I find it absolutely amazing that a man like Matthew Call wants to marry me. I have done things, seen things, and been apart of things that I would rather bury than have to recount sometimes when a fleeting thought reminds me of darker days in my personality. But then I take a more positive outlook on my past and remind myself that those things, mistakes, issues, problems, and self unawareness is what makes me who I am and the woman he wants to marry. Those things may be apart of my past, they make me who I am, but not by any means do they define me.

So I will leave you with this poem about keeping your chin up and finding those soul mates that make the difference in your life.

"I wish I were a glow worm

A glow worm's never glum

How can you be gloomy

When the sun shines out your bum"

I love you, yes you, the one who read this:

Selfiness never was Happiness

An odd day for such a topic as this, but this topic has been on my mind lately and I feel that I have some apologizing to do especially to those who are incredibly important to me.

I have been extremely selfish for the past month or so and I have realized that I want to change it but the only time I think about it is after I have partaken of the selfish card. How do you change from being selfish and always thinking about yourself, to being self- LESS and thinking only of others and how you can help them?

It seems like a silly question but in retrospect I feel as though it has been and continues to be one of my worst enemies. I am narcissistic, attention seeking and self absorbed. Now don't scoff at this comment, I'm sure that you've seen times where I've only thought about what I could get out of the situation or how I wasn't really doing it for you, but to look good in the face of others. To have a good reputation but not really be a good person in my heart. I feel I'm much like the pharisees in the New Testament that prayed in the squares out in the open so people would know they were praising God, they knew that they were "Godly men" and "closer to God" because of their public communion with him. I do a lot of things for recognition, not because I want to.

That's a horrible personality trait, to only want to do this for the recognition of peers, family members, and the social media. Bug.

I want to be like Gandhi, or Mother Theresa, or the Prophet Thomas S Monson, or my mom, or Sarah Flinders, or Ashleigh Simmons, or Julia Rae Sanchez, or vast amounts of others that you can tell, do things because they want to make other people happy, not because they like to make tick boards on how many "good deeds" they done for the week. No, it's because they see someone in need and they go do something about while I say to myself, "Well isn't that a terribly inconvenient time for someone to need a helping hand..I need to write on my blog, look at facebook, do my homework, take a nap, do my hair, go buy some new clothes so I fit in the status quo, watch the new movie, read that book so I look and sound smart....I don't have time to do service, and service isn't for me."

Now I've never actually said that sentence but thoughts that accompany when I should be doing something for someone else are around those lines. I compare and compete far too much in life and its people and it has made me a self absorbed ingrate. I just want more instead of seeing what is so important in my life and what is important to others and what they need.

SO...

To those who I have every offended because I was too busy to be there for you:
I'm sorry.
To those that just needed a hug but I'm too stupid to not lend an arm:
I'm sorry.
To those that I snap at out of unnecessary irritation:
I'm sorry.
To those that I didn't take the time to come to your birthday party, your wedding reception, your farewell, your homecoming, because I was busy or didn't "feel like it":
I'm sorry.
To those who I would much rather not delve into your life to help you and try to forget and not get involved and could have helped you:
I'm sorry.
To those that I thought demeaning thoughts about and not apologized to you:
I'm sorry.
To those that have always been my friends even through my idiosyncrasies of wanting something that I'm not:
I'm sorry.
To those that I've changed, dragged down and haven't been strong enough to help build back up:
I'm sorry.

To those of you who have read all of this post:
I'm sorry for such a down subject on a day of love.

I wish I could change my selfish nature, but it's hard to do so when you're so used to wanting what your not and being something you weren't made for. Be patient with me, because the change that I would like to take place will be a life long process.